Spiritual testimonies: about the tapas with Kali and how my Kundalini was “taken away”

Some time ago I missed starting a new tapas with Kali. The last time I did this I had some “Swedish showers” not exactly pleasant, but in the end I overcame the difficult moments and, I say, I climbed a small step on the ladder of spiritual evolution.

Well, this time it started really bad. Acharya is right when she says, “with Kali you don’t play“. Do you want it to help you transform quickly? Ok, She helps you, but in her own way. First it makes you face your weaknesses, then it leaves you seemingly alone to fret, weigh, understand, and only then it obviously supports you — that is, “on the face”, it evaluates and gives you the verdict.

My advice: even if you feel like you’re dying of pain, don’t stop tapas. Take it to the end and it is possible that today’s hopelessness will turn into joy, freedom, peace and serenity but, moreover, into the surprise of finding the Way to Deception open.

I started my firm and confident tapas, knowing my weaknesses and even intuiting where it was going to “hit” me. That’s exactly how it was!
I was faced with situations that made me crave what I could not have and, worse, to attach myself to my desire. I realized this, but I could no longer detach myself, I remained hanging in the exteriority and I could no longer find my verticality. I became desperate, confused, but I kept mediating with Kali, but I couldn’t get close to her anymore. I was asking for her grace and she was moving away…

That’s when I was sinking even deeper into the gutter I had entered, becoming even more bitter.

I wanted to run to the end of the world (I, who loved everything and lived frantically every moment of my life), but I knew that there was no end of the world… And I was crying and I was clenching my fists,…

I wanted to throw myself into the pit (I, who, a short time ago, identified with the seagulls and flew with them to the east) but I knew that this would not end the suffering, on the contrary!

I wanted to scream from all the roars, to disintegrate, to scatter myself, to escape.

I got bloated with crying and it wasn’t all yet…

The climax followed: I was “taken” kundalini. Because of my inferior feelings, I was no longer worthy of it. I didn’t deserve it anymore. I had apparently ended up in a hopeless situation. The goddess had turned her back on me and I didn’t know what to do. Meditations with her had become formal.

Do you know what life is like without kundalini? If you’ve never had it, you can’t compare it. You live like this without it, without knowing how wonderful it can be, how much happiness it can bring you, how much pure pleasure….

But when you’ve had it and you don’t have it anymore, that’s a hard time! I felt heavy, tired, sad, old, in the mood for life, it was hard for me to breathe…

But with great strains I still continued my tapas. At the same time, I begged God with all my soul to smile at me, at least for a moment…

And he sent me a thought: to write, to unload, to throw out everything… Okay, okay, but I couldn’t, I was stuck.. It took a while, but I easily managed to put it on paper, to say it all.. to free myself…

It was as if a wave was taken from my eyes and I understood why Kali didn’t want me anymore. I, being desperate, practically asked her to save me, but I did not do it with humility, I almost yelled at her. I think that’s why he took my Kundalini. The fact that I could no longer see my smallness was what it was like, but to pretend to help me, without understanding that the ego requires it, was too much for Her…

So on the last night of the tapas I placed my yantra in front of me and looked at it straight, as I knew…

But my attitude was different this time.” Full of humility and shame I asked her to forgive me and if she thinks I deserve it, to give me her grace, if not, I promised her that I would work hard, I would do much yoga, in the hope that she would ever forgive me. I did it without stubbornness, even with resignation, accepting that it is possible to last as long as possible….

And sitting there, hopelessly, I do not know how long, I closed my eyes and suddenly perceived that She, the Goddess, was there with me, then immediately the Kundalini set off upwards undulating, as escaped from the cage (I the “little” one imprisoned her and I also the “wise” one released her). Tears began to flow to me, but there were tears of overwhelming happiness, for I felt that the gate of the Self was ajar again and… I stepped there…

Peace came upon me.

Then, for seven days, I made a tapas of gratitude for The Supreme Kali, thanking her for passing me through the pitchforks, so that at the end she would give me an invaluable gift…

And…. as a “coincidence” ,… even in those days I came across the quote below:

“If you want to see the rainbow,… you have to face the rain…!”

May 2015

With thanks,

To my dear Master!